[ it's easier to find jonas in the lounge again later. she'll wave for him to join her on one of the couches. ]
It's difficult to get as much as you want across in letters, don't you think? Tell me how you've been these past few weeks. There's only so much that can be seen on the screens.
[ truly. he will grab his drink off the counter and he doesn't hesitate to come join her, folding in his wings carefully so they aren't in her way when he settles down. he rests his glass on his knee and he's sitting a little sideways to face her, which means she can see the way he appears to be deciding what he wants to say. ]
My letter-writing skills aren't exactly the strongest because I either don't know what to say, or I'll say way too much and it still doesn't make sense. But right... all public spaces? Pretty sure it was that way at the healing center, too. [ there's a little sip. simba's busy leaping up to settle on the arm of the couch and he watches the lion for a moment. ]
I think I just need to go home for a while. It's been... a really, really long game. But that's everybody, right?
I used to always wonder why people made a spectacle of themselves when they were cursed, and I am now realizing that it's really, really compelling.
[ the emotion share is a little bit of guilt even if he smiles sheepishly. oh i guess also she may notice there's some fading bruising on his face this close up. ]
I am still a figurehead, or whatever. I should watch my words. [ but he shakes his head. ] Jacopo should've had more to worry about than me, but I think I've had one too many spirals in his direction that he thinks otherwise.
God couldn't be touched in Heaven, hm? It's a bit difficult to be in your right mind when cursed to be out of it. I think it's clear you and Jacopo both care about each other, so it stands to reason that worry would be there.
If you're spiraling, that's enough to reason to worry in general.
[ she reaches over to brush her fingers over his fading bruises. ]
By effects, only a few. By curses? No. I don't even entirely mind them here, just... you know. The ones that screw up my relationships with other people. [ he sighs a little though. ] Half the time I feel like I strongarmed him into it because I'm kind of a disaster but... he sticks around anyway.
[ he lets her do that, even if the emotional feedback is a little frustration that's not directed at her. ]
Wasn't expecting a punch. And before you ask, I did punch back. [ which he's not, like, proud of. but it's instinct? a thing hits you, you hit back. ]
I suppose it's not always easy to rationalize a curse as a curse for some. [ roxana usually pretends a curse didn't happen, which isn't necessarily better, but it works for her. ] Don't you think Jacopo is someone who'd leave if he didn't care? I don't know him nearly as well as you do, but even I can tell he's someone who cares despite it all.
[ i don't care, he says, caring deeply. that's her read of jacopo.
Depends on what you do while you're cursed, probably. For some people it could have disastrous results. [ he does not elaborate if that includes him. but... roxana can have a brief memshare of jacopo's face making an expression like: [hei voice] "not in the "mommy, you're not speaking to me gently" surprised, but in the "if i still had the will to live i'd have your head on a pike" surprised." ] He only has a specific amount of patience for a specific amount of things, and he usually tells me when he's running out of patience with me, yeah. So... yeah, I guess so.
[ but it makes him happy anyway, to think that the feeling's mutual. ]
I ended up confronting his murderer on Saturday. Don't think they were that happy to see me at first.
I could! I could, but the thing you have to realize about me, Roxana, is I absolutely have no idea how people feel about me half the time. [ alpha week effects means he's very confident in admitting he's not confident about some things. ] I... shouldn't have written stuff like that, sorry. It's not like anybody could do anything about it over there but I didn't really know what else to say about things.
You'd think so. I... realized a little too late that I was looking at the wrong person in the trial, so afterwards I went to go check on him. Whatever was possessing him wasn't having it and tried to walk off, so I grabbed him and he decked me. When I punched him back though he came back to himself and he was able to tell me about what happened.
Stop apologizing. You're being ridiculous. If I didn't want you to tell me any of those things, I would have told you so. You're the one who said you wanted to be friends. Don't act like you want to take it back now.
[ or he could. she can't stop him. she can't inject him with confidence, but she can tell him she's fine with hearing his worries. ]
If it made him less insane, I wouldn't feel bad about punching him back. Did getting answers help?
[ the emotions are a little flustered but pouty. ]
Of course I'm not taking that part back. [ lowkey offended? he would never. but he does acknowledge he's being ridiculous so he sighs. ] It's just been... a disaster, trying to be mortal again and do things I want to do. Some things have worked out okay but the bigger parts not so much.
... answers helped to at least understand what happened. People have said I'm still allowed to be mad even if he was possessed but I'm trying not to be because I know it's unfair to be. Also Jacopo's already back. But at the same time it... sucked? It sucked, I didn't want to do this with him twice.
I won't tell you to try and try again, but at least you did try. [ or she assumes he did. she can't see what he does off screen. he's being vague, but she'll let him keep the vagueness. ] Is it the bigger parts that you wanted to work out more than what has?
Loss isn't about fairness. [ roxana also doesn't care about fairness, so she won't push jonas to choose higher ground. ] I know you're trying to be better, but as long as you're not causing problems for everything, anger won't hurt. Having to experience it twice over, it doesn't hurt any less the second time.
... can we just settle with the idea that love sucks and so does eternity? [ he tells her this because he knows she's pragmatic and possibly won't care too much, but. ] There are bigger pieces I wanted to make work and fix, and things I've been trying to adjust about myself, and it's just been... a mess. I can already tell my way of thinking has changed in a way I'm not sure I want it to.
I'm tired of causing problems, mostly. I used to be good at it, and then... a bunch of stuff happened, and then I died. And I've been trying to be better since then but it always goes back to the idea of how much can a person change? I like Rupert. We were friends. I want to get past this but I can't stop thinking about how it happened. I'm not even mad at him I'm just... stuck. But that's it. Ace actually said the same... that twice almost makes it worse.
[ does not like this thoughtshare, and there's a soft frown. bad... ]
[ it's true.... she won't ask more into it even though i want her to. what love!!!! her life is bereft of love at the moment, and she has the opposite of eternity on her hands. she can't do anything about his eternity anyway. ]
What's so wrong with your way of thinking changing?
[ it's not like he's thinking he wants to murder everyone, probably. ]
If you're stuck, you might need a little more time. It's not like feelings can move and change because you want them to. Grief has a way of holding on and not letting go even if you want it to go.
I'm not that happy that I've hit the point where I'm justifying what murders were and weren't okay, for one. [ so sort of, but no. ] Everyone's lives should matter, but... I do get it. Why people would kill for an incentive, the idea of sacrificing one person for the sake of several others. It's a slippery slope of deciding who is and isn't more important and I don't know if someone judging dead souls should entertain the idea.
[ but he listens to the rest, and for a moment he's quiet like he's deciding how he wants to approach this... ]
[ it should be obvious where roxana's opinion falls on killing for an incentive, but she doesn't have to think about godhood and judgment the way he does. she doesn't think every life matters, but she does think most do. she's just used to making choices she hates. ]
Your situation is unique. Being understanding and wanting to understand is what helps you with what you do, but that's where it can stop. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing or following, so if you can draw the line there, you should be fine.
[ it may be easier said than done but not untrue in her mind. ]
Grief has yet to let me go. My anger and hatred remain from it.
[ yeah, he does not really care about incentives when they make sense, and given what he does know of her situation, it makes sense. he does not judge her for it, just like he doesn't judge alex for what happened with ichiban. which i can say now that it's been doxxed.
it's really that he does know roxana isn't heartless, and she does feel a way about things. it helps, he thinks. or maybe he's just as biased about her as he is about other people he cares about. ]
... true. I have tried to remind myself that understanding doesn't mean agreeing. I've kinda said the same to other people, too, but I think you and I both know it can be difficult to apply the same logic to ourselves as we do other people. I can draw a line, but I want to make sure it's a line that I can back up, you know?
[ ... ]
I don't think my grief is gone yet for other people I've lost. I don't know if it ever will be because of things I regret that came from it. So it's not like I don't get that. [ ... ] Is it too forward to ask who?
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week 7, monday
It's difficult to get as much as you want across in letters, don't you think? Tell me how you've been these past few weeks. There's only so much that can be seen on the screens.
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My letter-writing skills aren't exactly the strongest because I either don't know what to say, or I'll say way too much and it still doesn't make sense. But right... all public spaces? Pretty sure it was that way at the healing center, too. [ there's a little sip. simba's busy leaping up to settle on the arm of the couch and he watches the lion for a moment. ]
I think I just need to go home for a while. It's been... a really, really long game. But that's everybody, right?
no subject
[ she'll turn to face him more directly, too. ]
Even now, you're still deciding what you want to say, aren't you? Not too different from your messages.
[ that's said in a lightly teasing way. ]
That is everybody. Jacopo was worried about you when he arrived to the other side.
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[ the emotion share is a little bit of guilt even if he smiles sheepishly. oh i guess also she may notice there's some fading bruising on his face this close up. ]
I am still a figurehead, or whatever. I should watch my words. [ but he shakes his head. ] Jacopo should've had more to worry about than me, but I think I've had one too many spirals in his direction that he thinks otherwise.
no subject
If you're spiraling, that's enough to reason to worry in general.
[ she reaches over to brush her fingers over his fading bruises. ]
What happened here?
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[ he lets her do that, even if the emotional feedback is a little frustration that's not directed at her. ]
Wasn't expecting a punch. And before you ask, I did punch back. [ which he's not, like, proud of. but it's instinct? a thing hits you, you hit back. ]
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[ i don't care, he says, caring deeply. that's her read of jacopo.
she tilts her head at the frustration. ]
But what did you do to get punched?
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[ but it makes him happy anyway, to think that the feeling's mutual. ]
I ended up confronting his murderer on Saturday. Don't think they were that happy to see me at first.
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roxana's eyebrows lift at the quick memshare. what on earth. ]
You should have more confidence in your connections. Even if your messages have hinted at things being rocky.
[ she thinks even if jacopo lacks patience, it doesn't mean his friendship with jonas is rocky. ]
It's no surprise that he must have been out of his mind... but even out of his mind, it's reasonable to expect you. Considering everything.
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I could! I could, but the thing you have to realize about me, Roxana, is I absolutely have no idea how people feel about me half the time. [ alpha week effects means he's very confident in admitting he's not confident about some things. ] I... shouldn't have written stuff like that, sorry. It's not like anybody could do anything about it over there but I didn't really know what else to say about things.
You'd think so. I... realized a little too late that I was looking at the wrong person in the trial, so afterwards I went to go check on him. Whatever was possessing him wasn't having it and tried to walk off, so I grabbed him and he decked me. When I punched him back though he came back to himself and he was able to tell me about what happened.
no subject
[ or he could. she can't stop him. she can't inject him with confidence, but she can tell him she's fine with hearing his worries. ]
If it made him less insane, I wouldn't feel bad about punching him back. Did getting answers help?
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Of course I'm not taking that part back. [ lowkey offended? he would never. but he does acknowledge he's being ridiculous so he sighs. ] It's just been... a disaster, trying to be mortal again and do things I want to do. Some things have worked out okay but the bigger parts not so much.
... answers helped to at least understand what happened. People have said I'm still allowed to be mad even if he was possessed but I'm trying not to be because I know it's unfair to be. Also Jacopo's already back. But at the same time it... sucked? It sucked, I didn't want to do this with him twice.
no subject
Loss isn't about fairness. [ roxana also doesn't care about fairness, so she won't push jonas to choose higher ground. ] I know you're trying to be better, but as long as you're not causing problems for everything, anger won't hurt. Having to experience it twice over, it doesn't hurt any less the second time.
[ i know. ]
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I'm tired of causing problems, mostly. I used to be good at it, and then... a bunch of stuff happened, and then I died. And I've been trying to be better since then but it always goes back to the idea of how much can a person change? I like Rupert. We were friends. I want to get past this but I can't stop thinking about how it happened. I'm not even mad at him I'm just... stuck. But that's it. Ace actually said the same... that twice almost makes it worse.
[ does not like this thoughtshare, and there's a soft frown. bad... ]
no subject
What's so wrong with your way of thinking changing?
[ it's not like he's thinking he wants to murder everyone, probably. ]
If you're stuck, you might need a little more time. It's not like feelings can move and change because you want them to. Grief has a way of holding on and not letting go even if you want it to go.
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[ but he listens to the rest, and for a moment he's quiet like he's deciding how he wants to approach this... ]
... speaking from experience?
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Your situation is unique. Being understanding and wanting to understand is what helps you with what you do, but that's where it can stop. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing or following, so if you can draw the line there, you should be fine.
[ it may be easier said than done but not untrue in her mind. ]
Grief has yet to let me go. My anger and hatred remain from it.
[ she'll be honest enough about. ]
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it's really that he does know roxana isn't heartless, and she does feel a way about things. it helps, he thinks. or maybe he's just as biased about her as he is about other people he cares about. ]
... true. I have tried to remind myself that understanding doesn't mean agreeing. I've kinda said the same to other people, too, but I think you and I both know it can be difficult to apply the same logic to ourselves as we do other people. I can draw a line, but I want to make sure it's a line that I can back up, you know?
[ ... ]
I don't think my grief is gone yet for other people I've lost. I don't know if it ever will be because of things I regret that came from it. So it's not like I don't get that. [ ... ] Is it too forward to ask who?