... can we just settle with the idea that love sucks and so does eternity? [ he tells her this because he knows she's pragmatic and possibly won't care too much, but. ] There are bigger pieces I wanted to make work and fix, and things I've been trying to adjust about myself, and it's just been... a mess. I can already tell my way of thinking has changed in a way I'm not sure I want it to.
I'm tired of causing problems, mostly. I used to be good at it, and then... a bunch of stuff happened, and then I died. And I've been trying to be better since then but it always goes back to the idea of how much can a person change? I like Rupert. We were friends. I want to get past this but I can't stop thinking about how it happened. I'm not even mad at him I'm just... stuck. But that's it. Ace actually said the same... that twice almost makes it worse.
[ does not like this thoughtshare, and there's a soft frown. bad... ]
[ it's true.... she won't ask more into it even though i want her to. what love!!!! her life is bereft of love at the moment, and she has the opposite of eternity on her hands. she can't do anything about his eternity anyway. ]
What's so wrong with your way of thinking changing?
[ it's not like he's thinking he wants to murder everyone, probably. ]
If you're stuck, you might need a little more time. It's not like feelings can move and change because you want them to. Grief has a way of holding on and not letting go even if you want it to go.
I'm not that happy that I've hit the point where I'm justifying what murders were and weren't okay, for one. [ so sort of, but no. ] Everyone's lives should matter, but... I do get it. Why people would kill for an incentive, the idea of sacrificing one person for the sake of several others. It's a slippery slope of deciding who is and isn't more important and I don't know if someone judging dead souls should entertain the idea.
[ but he listens to the rest, and for a moment he's quiet like he's deciding how he wants to approach this... ]
[ it should be obvious where roxana's opinion falls on killing for an incentive, but she doesn't have to think about godhood and judgment the way he does. she doesn't think every life matters, but she does think most do. she's just used to making choices she hates. ]
Your situation is unique. Being understanding and wanting to understand is what helps you with what you do, but that's where it can stop. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing or following, so if you can draw the line there, you should be fine.
[ it may be easier said than done but not untrue in her mind. ]
Grief has yet to let me go. My anger and hatred remain from it.
[ yeah, he does not really care about incentives when they make sense, and given what he does know of her situation, it makes sense. he does not judge her for it, just like he doesn't judge alex for what happened with ichiban. which i can say now that it's been doxxed.
it's really that he does know roxana isn't heartless, and she does feel a way about things. it helps, he thinks. or maybe he's just as biased about her as he is about other people he cares about. ]
... true. I have tried to remind myself that understanding doesn't mean agreeing. I've kinda said the same to other people, too, but I think you and I both know it can be difficult to apply the same logic to ourselves as we do other people. I can draw a line, but I want to make sure it's a line that I can back up, you know?
[ ... ]
I don't think my grief is gone yet for other people I've lost. I don't know if it ever will be because of things I regret that came from it. So it's not like I don't get that. [ ... ] Is it too forward to ask who?
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no subject
I'm tired of causing problems, mostly. I used to be good at it, and then... a bunch of stuff happened, and then I died. And I've been trying to be better since then but it always goes back to the idea of how much can a person change? I like Rupert. We were friends. I want to get past this but I can't stop thinking about how it happened. I'm not even mad at him I'm just... stuck. But that's it. Ace actually said the same... that twice almost makes it worse.
[ does not like this thoughtshare, and there's a soft frown. bad... ]
no subject
What's so wrong with your way of thinking changing?
[ it's not like he's thinking he wants to murder everyone, probably. ]
If you're stuck, you might need a little more time. It's not like feelings can move and change because you want them to. Grief has a way of holding on and not letting go even if you want it to go.
no subject
[ but he listens to the rest, and for a moment he's quiet like he's deciding how he wants to approach this... ]
... speaking from experience?
no subject
Your situation is unique. Being understanding and wanting to understand is what helps you with what you do, but that's where it can stop. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing or following, so if you can draw the line there, you should be fine.
[ it may be easier said than done but not untrue in her mind. ]
Grief has yet to let me go. My anger and hatred remain from it.
[ she'll be honest enough about. ]
no subject
it's really that he does know roxana isn't heartless, and she does feel a way about things. it helps, he thinks. or maybe he's just as biased about her as he is about other people he cares about. ]
... true. I have tried to remind myself that understanding doesn't mean agreeing. I've kinda said the same to other people, too, but I think you and I both know it can be difficult to apply the same logic to ourselves as we do other people. I can draw a line, but I want to make sure it's a line that I can back up, you know?
[ ... ]
I don't think my grief is gone yet for other people I've lost. I don't know if it ever will be because of things I regret that came from it. So it's not like I don't get that. [ ... ] Is it too forward to ask who?