[ in a way, roxana thinks it's one of the more fortunate ways to die in these murder games. no one to watch you as your secrets are on display, no one to talk over your dead body and theorize over you. ]
As far as I could tell, although I imagine someone must have killed you on your trip. Severed your head, it looked like.
[i just think people should man up and kill sweet beans more often.]
There, I did. I'd believed they'd killed my family.
[If she'd remembered more of her real life she might have done several things differently. One in particular, for certain.
Rosamund considers this a moment.]
...Yes. I still want to help them. And I don't...I really, really hate that I've made this weekend all the worse for them. It's hard enough to go into a Thursday as it is.
That wasn't — I wasn't trying to die! And I don't think they would have voted for me no matter what I did. They were determined not to see anything happen to me, even if all I wanted was to spare someone else the pain. [IC concern/OOC spite. Even if you'll never believe me Ara it was more an ic move than a bid to die for real!!!!!!!!]
...I see. Hasn't anything brought you even a little joy, while you've been here? I know Jonas misses you. I think you two would have interesting conversations.
[ no, i do believe it's an ic thing. roxana is throwing some shade on it because she disagrees with this kind of behavior. while roxana genuinely likes seeing goodness in people, the kind of brightness that comes when people help others, she thinks there are barbs and thorns to this kind of intention to spare someone else the pain. For someone who still puts meaning in death.
not unlike the briars rosamund is known for, which isn't bad in and of itself but she doesn't think rosamund has that perspective of her words. roxana may be wrong, but an opinion is an opinion. ]
If you didn't think anyone would have voted for you, why even utter it? What's the point, if it wouldn't have spared anyone the pain? What you also said was you leveraged your hand being forced over the pain others would have in seeing you leave.
[ roxana thinks as murder game veterans, people will and should vote however they please even if she could disagrees with whatever reasoning they might have.
as for the rest: ]
Our conversations turn philosophical most of the time. [ her conversations with jonas, she means. ] I have been trying to encourage him to be a bit more selfish through letters, but I don't think it's working.
[help well she's not entirely wrong, self-sacrificiality can absolutely go too far.]
Because if I can do something to help someone, I have to try. [There's a spark of indignation here, but also a quick quelling of it. She's still too raw from the trip and the sudden appearance in the graveyard to deny how badly it stings to leave someone.] It would hurt to lose anyone. My life wasn't any more valuable than the others, and the same goes the other way too. If someone has to die no matter what, then we're all on even footing there.
[People can and would miss her, and she them. Did that mean losing Roxana was easier? Siffrin? Hulkenberg? She can't say it was.
But Jonas is easier to talk about. Easing off her own bruises to asses the damage done on others.]
He's too used to being the shoulder to lean on, I think. It's very hard for him to speak up for his own well-being, even if he tells other people to do so. [Rosamund leans forward, resting her chin in her hands.] ...But I'm glad he has someone he can speak about higher minded things with. I think he needs to have somewhere to work that out, on top of a few more mundane issues.
Is there... [she wets her lips, thinking.] Sorry. Is there somewhere I can go that I won't be in anyone's way? Just until these effects pass over. I want to make sure She's gone. Permanently.
It's not about whether someone's life is worth more than the other. It's about what people will choose. It's about who people will choose. I will choose to keep whom I like and care about more, and I won't pretend otherwise.
[ that's not something she'll be hypocritical about. people can talk about fairness and equality all they want, but she has no illusions about those concepts when it comes to how she operates. ]
I think there are a couple people like that for him. It's not like that's discussion that can easily be done in text messages.
You can hide in one of the rooms in a hotel or suite.
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[Scrunches her face.]
Did I really die after a trip? No one killed me?
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As far as I could tell, although I imagine someone must have killed you on your trip. Severed your head, it looked like.
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...More like popped it off. Along with my last three limbs.
[She grimaces.]
We were going to try out to be devil hunters. It really didn't work out for me.
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Did you want to be a devil hunter? [ roxana doesn't know enough about csm for this. ] Would you prefer to be back on the other side?
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There, I did. I'd believed they'd killed my family.
[If she'd remembered more of her real life she might have done several things differently. One in particular, for certain.
Rosamund considers this a moment.]
...Yes. I still want to help them. And I don't...I really, really hate that I've made this weekend all the worse for them. It's hard enough to go into a Thursday as it is.
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If you had to come to this side, this is the better way for them. They don't have to wonder what happened to you. They'll know you're here.
Dying itself is never pleasant, but what happened to you isn't a mystery. Who knows? You could receive a lucky ticket like Anders and Yoru.
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[Still. The last thing she saw was the worry on Kaworu's face. She hates to imagine what all came after.]
I've died many times before. I'm hardly scared about it. I just haven't given in to the idea that it doesn't mean anything.
[Unlike some other people. They can have their own perspectives, it's valid. She just agrees to disagree.]
Maybe. [Though sadly I cannot, I'm not here for either W5/W6 trial...the truth come out.] Would you want a ticket back, Roxana?
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If you think it still means something, you should let people vote for you on their own instead of offering it.
[ it's lightly said. as for rosamund's question, roxana's vibes are akin to a shrug since she's not the type of person who'd actually shrug. ]
I told some who came to see me before I was executed that it doesn't make a difference to me if I'm here or there. It still holds.
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That wasn't — I wasn't trying to die! And I don't think they would have voted for me no matter what I did. They were determined not to see anything happen to me, even if all I wanted was to spare someone else the pain. [IC concern/OOC spite. Even if you'll never believe me Ara it was more an ic move than a bid to die for real!!!!!!!!]
...I see. Hasn't anything brought you even a little joy, while you've been here? I know Jonas misses you. I think you two would have interesting conversations.
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not unlike the briars rosamund is known for, which isn't bad in and of itself but she doesn't think rosamund has that perspective of her words. roxana may be wrong, but an opinion is an opinion. ]
If you didn't think anyone would have voted for you, why even utter it? What's the point, if it wouldn't have spared anyone the pain? What you also said was you leveraged your hand being forced over the pain others would have in seeing you leave.
[ roxana thinks as murder game veterans, people will and should vote however they please even if she could disagrees with whatever reasoning they might have.
as for the rest: ]
Our conversations turn philosophical most of the time. [ her conversations with jonas, she means. ] I have been trying to encourage him to be a bit more selfish through letters, but I don't think it's working.
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Because if I can do something to help someone, I have to try. [There's a spark of indignation here, but also a quick quelling of it. She's still too raw from the trip and the sudden appearance in the graveyard to deny how badly it stings to leave someone.] It would hurt to lose anyone. My life wasn't any more valuable than the others, and the same goes the other way too. If someone has to die no matter what, then we're all on even footing there.
[People can and would miss her, and she them. Did that mean losing Roxana was easier? Siffrin? Hulkenberg? She can't say it was.
But Jonas is easier to talk about. Easing off her own bruises to asses the damage done on others.]
He's too used to being the shoulder to lean on, I think. It's very hard for him to speak up for his own well-being, even if he tells other people to do so. [Rosamund leans forward, resting her chin in her hands.] ...But I'm glad he has someone he can speak about higher minded things with. I think he needs to have somewhere to work that out, on top of a few more mundane issues.
Is there... [she wets her lips, thinking.] Sorry. Is there somewhere I can go that I won't be in anyone's way? Just until these effects pass over. I want to make sure She's gone. Permanently.
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[ that's not something she'll be hypocritical about. people can talk about fairness and equality all they want, but she has no illusions about those concepts when it comes to how she operates. ]
I think there are a couple people like that for him. It's not like that's discussion that can easily be done in text messages.
You can hide in one of the rooms in a hotel or suite.