True. They are kinda subjective, it's... I actually had this conversation a lot with people in Heaven before they knew who I was. About how some of the things that may be considered wrong or immoral to other people are just normal ways of life for them and stuff. How can a god judge based on that, you know? I had my work cut out for me though.
I guess... part of the decisions being made involve me, too, and I don't think it's the right answer. I'm tired of watching people try to constantly self-destruct when there are other options to try. But maybe I'm being too rigid in my thinking, I don't know. It doesn't help that people sometimes say one thing and then get mad when people do that thing because they wanted someone to do something else.
[ so you know. but he thinks about this... and he laughs under his breath. ]
They do seem pretty straightforward, I'll agree with that. Sorry. But at least you found out sooner than later? It would've been like twenty times more embarrassing if you didn't know until they came to visit our side.
Did you settle on how you would judge people? It sounds as if you could make it complex or complicated.
If someone says for you to do one thing and becomes angry when you do what's asked, that's a communication problem and a personal problem rolled into one. [ she has a guess who this might be about, but she won't press it too much for now. ] If it involves you, shouldn't you also have some sort of say?
[ she doesn't make a face or anything, but he can feel like.... a grimace in her emotions.
not knowing until they came to the living side. she'd crash like rosamund about ylfa but in private. ]
There are moments where I think about a timeline where I didn't know Clarte was here until then. If I had still stayed on this side. I wouldn't have written any messages before then because I never suspected it was them.
[ I wonder if that would have been easier for me. ]
Not entirely, but I am a little more aware that I've probably been too lenient. [ dry. ] I still want to believe the best in people. But I also think maybe the best in people isn't for me to decide. I've thought about how I might run my project again, too. Maybe instead of just whoever shows up, make it a volunteer basis thing. Screen people a little harder on the backend and go from there. But I won't be trying again for a little while.
[ the emotions are a little tired, but yeah. it's not too difficult to guess. ]
It happens. I used to be better at this, and at reading people, but maybe I'm out of practice. But it's also... I'm trying to be better about assigning blame, too. Work in progress. You'd think I'd have a say in things but that's kind of hit and miss on a good day, too. With multiple people.
[ perhaps it is for the best things went the way they did.... ]
... it would have been easier going through the weeks knowing people only knew what you wanted them to know, right? Versus Clarte who already knew you and was someone you already crossed those thresholds with. [ and he thinks back a little. ] Does it still scare you? To care about people.
Some people need the leniency, but even if my telling you to smite people was in jest most of the time, I did want to encourage you in a way to say you don't always have to be understanding. [ even if he's a god now, legends and myths have gods being more emotional that most. ] A rerun of your project can be a future worry.
[ especially if he still has eternity after this. ]
Are you happy with where you are in your relationships? Your friendships?
[ if he's been so hit and miss.
... as for the questions about her, jonas isn't wrong. he's right. there's something that skitters across her emotions, a sense of discomfort. ]
You're mostly right. [ clarte's presence made her care more about everything in general in the airport, and she didn't like that. ] I was ready to care less.
... I don't know if you know this, Roxana, but you did give me a lot to think about. Like in a good way. I've questioned a lot of things since this game started and I've had to kinda realign my morals a little, I think. Whatever those even look like now. And I think... maybe you're right. Maybe I don't have to understand everything. Maybe some people are just insane and there's no changing that. I have a lot of future worries, but eternity makes it a little easier to try and prioritize differently.
[ but this is a trick question in a way. ]
Things could be better. My selfishness definitely bit me in the ass and I actually don't know if I accomplished what I was hoping for or made it worse and now people aren't saying so, but that's for me to deal with later. I'm happy enough, I think, if I don't think too deeply about other people being unhappy with me.
[ as you do. but he's more interested in this instead. ]
It's a dangerous thing. Caring about people, I mean, because it can really throw off how you play in a game like this. But when you have stakes suddenly it becomes more about aligning your goals a little differently. [ ... on that note though: ] ... you grabbed something from the shop for killing Nanaki, didn't you? Have you thought of what you'd do next?
I'll admit I didn't know how much of our views would align once I learned more about you and what you wanted to do as a god. [ but that doesn't maker her dislike anyone. sometimes, it makes her able to like them more. ] Some people are insane, and it's not worth the effort trying to change them, if they are able to change.
[ it's a matter of how much you want to care. ]
... That sounds like it's going to be a little tumultuous, but I did tell you not to overthink so much.
[ to roxana, it sounds like he'll start to think people are unhappy with him if he thinks about it, which isn't a good sign. that's his eternity, and she can only nudge him so much in these eight weeks. stay messy. ]
I did, and I have. I wouldn't have taken that step if I didn't have something in mind. As much as I'm willing to sacrifice, and for as cold as I choose to be, it's not a choice I made lightly.
[ her mind is still made up. for better or worse. ]
There's a lot I thought about putting into letters to you, but... in the end, it's my shit to figure out. And I figured you had enough to deal with on that end. And it's like... I can tell when my views started to change, and I don't know if it's for better or worse. But either way, I understand some things better. Maybe it isn't as feasible to save everyone as I thought it was.
[ maybe some people are simply going to crash and burn regardless!!! ]
But you did tell me not to overthink it, so I won't. I already made a decision, and they're going to have to at least try to meet me halfway. I'm not walking it back.
[ it's a little of both. he knows things aren't perfect but he's also extremely stubborn so you know. here we are. nevertheless, he is kind of pleased to hear she hasn't wavered. ]
I never assumed it was a choice you made lightly. You're too smart for that. You took a risk and it still panned out. [ ... ] The murders weren't great no matter how you look at it, but in a way? Doing it here was almost a strategic choice. We knew everyone would come back in the end. We knew they were all doing fine. So it became a choice between causing someone temporary pain versus resolving a longterm one. I don't think it's a choice I would've made myself, but I don't have anything a prize could fix. But I'm not going to fault anyone who decided to play the game.
[ which is actually the part that scares him a little, sliding back into the mindset of "some murder is okay", but he's also aware he murdered somebody in the UG and ultimately he cares about solving people's problems, so. good luck, roxana. ]
It would have been easy to read your letters and reply to them than deal with things over in the other terminal. It's admirable to want to save everyone, but you've touched on how possible I think it is.
[ which is not at all, but that shouldn't be surprising coming from her.
he seems to be firm on the next point, so she doesn't have anything else to comment on it. whatever happens next will be for him to deal with for better or worse. ]
It's not how I want everyone to think, but if there is something you want that can be achieved by what's offered, and you knew the damage would be minimal, it's a question of how much you truly want it, if it's not worth a life or any guilt that comes with that. It's how much weight you'll put in pragmatism, efficiency, or your principles. Or even your pride.
Back in the Prism, I made more of an effort in both being sweeter but telling some people that I'm reprehensible. Here, I decided neither was worth it, but talking with you sometimes....
[ she does think he should find more fault with her. people could stand to be less understanding of her in general. ]
I have. I remember. [ it's not surprising, but he is at least starting to take that into consideration. does he still want to try? yes, obviously. but he also knows there are some people out there who don't want to be saved either.
and so the focus is on the next point, nodding along for the moment. ]
Guilt is a strong motivator for most people, I think. But then again, some people are well past the point of feeling guilty. I feel like... pride obviously gets in people's way a lot. People don't ask for the help they need, and if they aren't careful it means making a move to do everything themselves even if they aren't prepared for the fallout. I mean that's also going into whether a person's principles are solid and can't be changed, or how they were built to begin with. Can a person still hold those same principles and call something like a murder a one-off? In theory, back home, that's sort of what I have to decide when allowing people into Heaven. In practice, I think something like this makes people want more than they originally thought. Or maybe even want things they didn't know they wanted anymore because the option to get it came through.
You just decided to let people decide for themselves then. The less you say, the more likely they were to develop their own conclusions. [ reasonable. ] ... there are so many things I wish I knew about you, but it was always your choice how much you wanted to say about anything at any given time. I just formed an opinion based on what I had.
[ she's done terrible things, from the sounds of it, and also to be quite honest it's not like he knew nanaki to begin with so. you know. ]
I think people can do a number of things that go against their principles, so would you judge a person by their actions or what they think is best even if they don't act that way?
[ that's roxana half the time - choosing to do what she thinks is wrong anyway. ]
I'm not so insane that I want people to hate me. [ but she's stopped putting in more effort to get people to like her more. ] It's only I know how difficult I am.
[ in the things she does or doesn't share, in how much people can see of her. she's not perfect in hiding everything she wants, but she does think people only like what they can see. there's a beat before she gives a more straightforward answer: ]
I would judge a person by the reasoning for the actions, I think. You can know something's wrong, but... if there's an overarching reason that can't be helped, isn't the answer more about understanding that before deciding? But I know as the years go by I may not have the luxury of time for everyone in Heaven. I'll have to streamline it.
[ it's a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that right now he's not sure he can maintain his way of doing things. he thinks about other difficult people in his life and he thinks about roxana before he hears her answer and he offers an apologetic smile. ]
... sorry then. I can say there are things you've done or things you think I probably don't and won't like, but I can appreciate that you don't waver. Not exactly the worst trait to have when you have goals in mind. I sort of wish I was better at it myself.
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I guess... part of the decisions being made involve me, too, and I don't think it's the right answer. I'm tired of watching people try to constantly self-destruct when there are other options to try. But maybe I'm being too rigid in my thinking, I don't know. It doesn't help that people sometimes say one thing and then get mad when people do that thing because they wanted someone to do something else.
[ so you know. but he thinks about this... and he laughs under his breath. ]
They do seem pretty straightforward, I'll agree with that. Sorry. But at least you found out sooner than later? It would've been like twenty times more embarrassing if you didn't know until they came to visit our side.
no subject
If someone says for you to do one thing and becomes angry when you do what's asked, that's a communication problem and a personal problem rolled into one. [ she has a guess who this might be about, but she won't press it too much for now. ] If it involves you, shouldn't you also have some sort of say?
[ she doesn't make a face or anything, but he can feel like.... a grimace in her emotions.
not knowing until they came to the living side. she'd crash like rosamund about ylfa but in private. ]
There are moments where I think about a timeline where I didn't know Clarte was here until then. If I had still stayed on this side. I wouldn't have written any messages before then because I never suspected it was them.
[ I wonder if that would have been easier for me. ]
no subject
[ the emotions are a little tired, but yeah. it's not too difficult to guess. ]
It happens. I used to be better at this, and at reading people, but maybe I'm out of practice. But it's also... I'm trying to be better about assigning blame, too. Work in progress. You'd think I'd have a say in things but that's kind of hit and miss on a good day, too. With multiple people.
[ perhaps it is for the best things went the way they did.... ]
... it would have been easier going through the weeks knowing people only knew what you wanted them to know, right? Versus Clarte who already knew you and was someone you already crossed those thresholds with. [ and he thinks back a little. ] Does it still scare you? To care about people.
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[ especially if he still has eternity after this. ]
Are you happy with where you are in your relationships? Your friendships?
[ if he's been so hit and miss.
... as for the questions about her, jonas isn't wrong. he's right. there's something that skitters across her emotions, a sense of discomfort. ]
You're mostly right. [ clarte's presence made her care more about everything in general in the airport, and she didn't like that. ] I was ready to care less.
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[ but this is a trick question in a way. ]
Things could be better. My selfishness definitely bit me in the ass and I actually don't know if I accomplished what I was hoping for or made it worse and now people aren't saying so, but that's for me to deal with later. I'm happy enough, I think, if I don't think too deeply about other people being unhappy with me.
[ as you do. but he's more interested in this instead. ]
It's a dangerous thing. Caring about people, I mean, because it can really throw off how you play in a game like this. But when you have stakes suddenly it becomes more about aligning your goals a little differently. [ ... on that note though: ] ... you grabbed something from the shop for killing Nanaki, didn't you? Have you thought of what you'd do next?
[ "is your mind still made up?" ]
no subject
[ it's a matter of how much you want to care. ]
... That sounds like it's going to be a little tumultuous, but I did tell you not to overthink so much.
[ to roxana, it sounds like he'll start to think people are unhappy with him if he thinks about it, which isn't a good sign. that's his eternity, and she can only nudge him so much in these eight weeks. stay messy. ]
I did, and I have. I wouldn't have taken that step if I didn't have something in mind. As much as I'm willing to sacrifice, and for as cold as I choose to be, it's not a choice I made lightly.
[ her mind is still made up. for better or worse. ]
no subject
[ maybe some people are simply going to crash and burn regardless!!! ]
But you did tell me not to overthink it, so I won't. I already made a decision, and they're going to have to at least try to meet me halfway. I'm not walking it back.
[ it's a little of both. he knows things aren't perfect but he's also extremely stubborn so you know. here we are. nevertheless, he is kind of pleased to hear she hasn't wavered. ]
I never assumed it was a choice you made lightly. You're too smart for that. You took a risk and it still panned out. [ ... ] The murders weren't great no matter how you look at it, but in a way? Doing it here was almost a strategic choice. We knew everyone would come back in the end. We knew they were all doing fine. So it became a choice between causing someone temporary pain versus resolving a longterm one. I don't think it's a choice I would've made myself, but I don't have anything a prize could fix. But I'm not going to fault anyone who decided to play the game.
[ which is actually the part that scares him a little, sliding back into the mindset of "some murder is okay", but he's also aware he murdered somebody in the UG and ultimately he cares about solving people's problems, so. good luck, roxana. ]
no subject
[ which is not at all, but that shouldn't be surprising coming from her.
he seems to be firm on the next point, so she doesn't have anything else to comment on it. whatever happens next will be for him to deal with for better or worse. ]
It's not how I want everyone to think, but if there is something you want that can be achieved by what's offered, and you knew the damage would be minimal, it's a question of how much you truly want it, if it's not worth a life or any guilt that comes with that. It's how much weight you'll put in pragmatism, efficiency, or your principles. Or even your pride.
Back in the Prism, I made more of an effort in both being sweeter but telling some people that I'm reprehensible. Here, I decided neither was worth it, but talking with you sometimes....
[ she does think he should find more fault with her. people could stand to be less understanding of her in general. ]
no subject
and so the focus is on the next point, nodding along for the moment. ]
Guilt is a strong motivator for most people, I think. But then again, some people are well past the point of feeling guilty. I feel like... pride obviously gets in people's way a lot. People don't ask for the help they need, and if they aren't careful it means making a move to do everything themselves even if they aren't prepared for the fallout. I mean that's also going into whether a person's principles are solid and can't be changed, or how they were built to begin with. Can a person still hold those same principles and call something like a murder a one-off? In theory, back home, that's sort of what I have to decide when allowing people into Heaven. In practice, I think something like this makes people want more than they originally thought. Or maybe even want things they didn't know they wanted anymore because the option to get it came through.
You just decided to let people decide for themselves then. The less you say, the more likely they were to develop their own conclusions. [ reasonable. ] ... there are so many things I wish I knew about you, but it was always your choice how much you wanted to say about anything at any given time. I just formed an opinion based on what I had.
[ she's done terrible things, from the sounds of it, and also to be quite honest it's not like he knew nanaki to begin with so. you know. ]
Would it be easier if I liked you less?
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[ that's roxana half the time - choosing to do what she thinks is wrong anyway. ]
I'm not so insane that I want people to hate me. [ but she's stopped putting in more effort to get people to like her more. ] It's only I know how difficult I am.
[ in the things she does or doesn't share, in how much people can see of her. she's not perfect in hiding everything she wants, but she does think people only like what they can see. there's a beat before she gives a more straightforward answer: ]
It would be easier.
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[ it's a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that right now he's not sure he can maintain his way of doing things. he thinks about other difficult people in his life and he thinks about roxana before he hears her answer and he offers an apologetic smile. ]
... sorry then. I can say there are things you've done or things you think I probably don't and won't like, but I can appreciate that you don't waver. Not exactly the worst trait to have when you have goals in mind. I sort of wish I was better at it myself.