[ good morning, we are starting at the mall because jonas is standing at a display window with his arms crossed and examining the mannequins like he's deciding if he likes the outfit or not. he is also unaware of the softly glowing bright red tattoo that seems to just say 06:00.
but he grins when he notices here and offers a little wave. ]
Hey. Better than nothing I guess, right? [ he's not exactly a fashion person but he has been getting tired of wearing the same shit, even if he hasn't removed his jacket, like, once for most of his stay here. ]
roxana is a fashion person, and she is collecting clothes in a shopping basket. sorry for the amount of clothes that will be entering their lounge. her tattoo glows through her clothes on her back, which says caring. ]
[ please look god in the face and tell him caring is a sin. begging. anyway he looks at his jacket sleeve and he smiles a little to himself, both awkward and sheepish at the same time. ]
It's... I take it off, sometimes, but I usually keep it on in public or when it's early enough in the day people might come out to the flight deck.
[ well. it's roxana, and she lives in his house, so he figures she'll see eventually. after a few seconds he shrugs the jacket off so it's hanging low on his back. the 06:00 tattoo continues to glow right at the base of his neck sort of settled between his shoulders, and it means she now gets to see the white wings sprouting from his back. they shake a little, fanning out feathers to be less cramped, and he looks over his shoulder again. ]
[ it's such a surprise to her despite knowing where he's from and despite her guesses about him that she can't tamp down and filter it all out. she wants to touch them, but she has so much restraint. WHY COULDN'T THIS HAPPEN LAST WEEK
roxana is glad this didn't happen last week. ]
I understand. I'd keep those covered, too. They'd stand out more than I do.
[ i think she should get to do what she wants, she really should have asked him last week. as it is though he's letting them spread and curl a little as if stretching them out. which is fair, given he's been cramming them under his jacket for a week and a half. ]
Yeah, that's... kind of the thing. [ they look ethereal and he's been posing as a normal person for a while. it's debatable how many people know he's god now. it's also debatable how many people know and haven't told him. ] ... I've had them since the change of hands happened. I don't see them leaving anytime soon though.
There is a reason I told them all my name was Gabriel. [ sometimes you simply lie to everyone and think it's passingly clever to play the messenger angel of god. ] But yeah, they're kind of a huge pain. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out how to, like, sit without damaging them. But I had a lot I was learning to juggle back then so what was one more thing?
[ he thinks a little about what she's said before, and he thinks perhaps she may understand his reasonings. ]
... we do what we can to survive, don't we? Nobody's going to be there to hold your hand through it. Sure, maybe there's some help along the way, but you always have to be ready to do things on your own. Don't you think?
[ she does understand. she understands more than she'd like to say, but that's also why she knows it's not the healthiest outlook. she can be a hypocrite. ]
That is how it is sometimes. That may be how it is a lot of the time but especially for someone in your position. The higher you are, the lonelier you tend to be.
I mean, it was like that even before I was in that position, Roxana. [ so it's debatable if he means he had to do things on his own, or if he was lonely before. maybe both? but it's a strange thing to hear it said back to him. ]
... I'm doing what I have to do. And that's going to be enough for me. Eventually... people I cared about will show up again. It'll be a little better then.
[ what he's saying is he's waiting for people to die, and isn't that a little morbid? she knows all about morbid, but that's not the point. whether it's from before heaven or during heaven... ]
Even if you were used to taking matters into your own hands before, becoming a god makes it worse.
[ leadership isolates. climbing to the top separates you from others. ]
At least you're admitting it's not the best it can be now.
[ it is. and he knows it, but everyone will die eventually, and he can only hope they maybe come back to him. ]
I didn't want to actually do this. [ become god, he means. ] But things fell into place, and I figured if this was the only way to try and accomplish what I thought made sense and try to get what I wanted, then I'd have to work with it. But... yeah. It's, uh. Not always great.
Isn't it worse because you didn't want to do it? [ it just makes what piles on even heavier. ] But if it's a burden you're willing to bear to achieve your goal, who am I to criticize you too heavily for it?
It's only that you talk about yourself sometimes in a way that people could find worrying.
Maybe. [ maybe! ] It's one of those things, I think, where I got what I wanted in the first place but not in the way I thought I would. But things don't always work the way you want them to. They never have. Now that I'm here, it's something I'll keep doing because it's not like I can give the power to somebody else, for one thing, and for another... I still think there are things I can try to change for the better. Maybe.
[ but he shrugs to that. ]
I think... I need to remember, more often, that I can't control what people think of me. I can only do what I'm trying to do and let it speak for itself. [ and if his words and actions are worrying to people, well, that is because he's an extremely depressed and traumatized teenager and there's no fixing that one, so it's fine. ]
[ is it fine? is it... roxana continues to understand where he's coming from as someone who is also depressed and traumatized, but even if some things can't be changed or fixed, it's still bad. ]
The be careful what you wish for caveat? As long as it wasn't the worst way to receive what you wanted... [ but she won't pry too much about that. ] You have too big of a sense of responsibility.
[ it's not said as if it's a bad thing, more of a pointed observation. ]
It's better to be confident in what you aim to do, but others can be just as resolute.
[ there's a pause... and a shaky, almost tired laugh. ]
It was, actually. Kinda worse than I ever imagined. But what can you do? [ you just have to kind of deal with it. ] ... a lot of people depend on a God to keep things running smoothly and to be there to answer prayers and make things better. Is it possible for that sense to really be too big?
[ he doesn't outright agree he has a big sense of responsibility, but he acknowledges why it is. ]
I have goals still. It's just a matter of working on them in a way that doesn't clash with other factors.
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w1, monday
but he grins when he notices here and offers a little wave. ]
Hey. Better than nothing I guess, right? [ he's not exactly a fashion person but he has been getting tired of wearing the same shit, even if he hasn't removed his jacket, like, once for most of his stay here. ]
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roxana is a fashion person, and she is collecting clothes in a shopping basket. sorry for the amount of clothes that will be entering their lounge. her tattoo glows through her clothes on her back, which says caring. ]
It's better to diversify. You especially.
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mostly because he's not sure if he should be offended suddenly or not. ]
What do you mean me especially?
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she smiles, amused, before she gestures to his jacket. ]
I don't recall a time I've seen you without.
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It's... I take it off, sometimes, but I usually keep it on in public or when it's early enough in the day people might come out to the flight deck.
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Is there something you don't want others to see? Or is it for your comfort?
[ or both? ]
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It's a little of both, technically.
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roxana is glad this didn't happen last week. ]
I understand. I'd keep those covered, too. They'd stand out more than I do.
[ by which she means they're beautiful. ]
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Yeah, that's... kind of the thing. [ they look ethereal and he's been posing as a normal person for a while. it's debatable how many people know he's god now. it's also debatable how many people know and haven't told him. ] ... I've had them since the change of hands happened. I don't see them leaving anytime soon though.
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she makes a thoughtful sound, almost like a hum. ]
This makes you look more like an angel than what I thought you were... or are. I imagine they're a bit more burdensome than they seem.
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Jonas.
[ it's almost chiding. almost. ]
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I mean no, probably not, but... what brings that up? [ he's not even sure what he said this time. ]
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[ it's a sentiment that roxana does understand, but still. ]
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... we do what we can to survive, don't we? Nobody's going to be there to hold your hand through it. Sure, maybe there's some help along the way, but you always have to be ready to do things on your own. Don't you think?
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That is how it is sometimes. That may be how it is a lot of the time but especially for someone in your position. The higher you are, the lonelier you tend to be.
A god must be so lonely.
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... I'm doing what I have to do. And that's going to be enough for me. Eventually... people I cared about will show up again. It'll be a little better then.
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Even if you were used to taking matters into your own hands before, becoming a god makes it worse.
[ leadership isolates. climbing to the top separates you from others. ]
At least you're admitting it's not the best it can be now.
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I didn't want to actually do this. [ become god, he means. ] But things fell into place, and I figured if this was the only way to try and accomplish what I thought made sense and try to get what I wanted, then I'd have to work with it. But... yeah. It's, uh. Not always great.
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It's only that you talk about yourself sometimes in a way that people could find worrying.
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[ but he shrugs to that. ]
I think... I need to remember, more often, that I can't control what people think of me. I can only do what I'm trying to do and let it speak for itself. [ and if his words and actions are worrying to people, well, that is because he's an extremely depressed and traumatized teenager and there's no fixing that one, so it's fine. ]
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The be careful what you wish for caveat? As long as it wasn't the worst way to receive what you wanted... [ but she won't pry too much about that. ] You have too big of a sense of responsibility.
[ it's not said as if it's a bad thing, more of a pointed observation. ]
It's better to be confident in what you aim to do, but others can be just as resolute.
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It was, actually. Kinda worse than I ever imagined. But what can you do? [ you just have to kind of deal with it. ] ... a lot of people depend on a God to keep things running smoothly and to be there to answer prayers and make things better. Is it possible for that sense to really be too big?
[ he doesn't outright agree he has a big sense of responsibility, but he acknowledges why it is. ]
I have goals still. It's just a matter of working on them in a way that doesn't clash with other factors.
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