[ he thinks a little about what she's said before, and he thinks perhaps she may understand his reasonings. ]
... we do what we can to survive, don't we? Nobody's going to be there to hold your hand through it. Sure, maybe there's some help along the way, but you always have to be ready to do things on your own. Don't you think?
[ she does understand. she understands more than she'd like to say, but that's also why she knows it's not the healthiest outlook. she can be a hypocrite. ]
That is how it is sometimes. That may be how it is a lot of the time but especially for someone in your position. The higher you are, the lonelier you tend to be.
I mean, it was like that even before I was in that position, Roxana. [ so it's debatable if he means he had to do things on his own, or if he was lonely before. maybe both? but it's a strange thing to hear it said back to him. ]
... I'm doing what I have to do. And that's going to be enough for me. Eventually... people I cared about will show up again. It'll be a little better then.
[ what he's saying is he's waiting for people to die, and isn't that a little morbid? she knows all about morbid, but that's not the point. whether it's from before heaven or during heaven... ]
Even if you were used to taking matters into your own hands before, becoming a god makes it worse.
[ leadership isolates. climbing to the top separates you from others. ]
At least you're admitting it's not the best it can be now.
[ it is. and he knows it, but everyone will die eventually, and he can only hope they maybe come back to him. ]
I didn't want to actually do this. [ become god, he means. ] But things fell into place, and I figured if this was the only way to try and accomplish what I thought made sense and try to get what I wanted, then I'd have to work with it. But... yeah. It's, uh. Not always great.
Isn't it worse because you didn't want to do it? [ it just makes what piles on even heavier. ] But if it's a burden you're willing to bear to achieve your goal, who am I to criticize you too heavily for it?
It's only that you talk about yourself sometimes in a way that people could find worrying.
Maybe. [ maybe! ] It's one of those things, I think, where I got what I wanted in the first place but not in the way I thought I would. But things don't always work the way you want them to. They never have. Now that I'm here, it's something I'll keep doing because it's not like I can give the power to somebody else, for one thing, and for another... I still think there are things I can try to change for the better. Maybe.
[ but he shrugs to that. ]
I think... I need to remember, more often, that I can't control what people think of me. I can only do what I'm trying to do and let it speak for itself. [ and if his words and actions are worrying to people, well, that is because he's an extremely depressed and traumatized teenager and there's no fixing that one, so it's fine. ]
[ is it fine? is it... roxana continues to understand where he's coming from as someone who is also depressed and traumatized, but even if some things can't be changed or fixed, it's still bad. ]
The be careful what you wish for caveat? As long as it wasn't the worst way to receive what you wanted... [ but she won't pry too much about that. ] You have too big of a sense of responsibility.
[ it's not said as if it's a bad thing, more of a pointed observation. ]
It's better to be confident in what you aim to do, but others can be just as resolute.
[ there's a pause... and a shaky, almost tired laugh. ]
It was, actually. Kinda worse than I ever imagined. But what can you do? [ you just have to kind of deal with it. ] ... a lot of people depend on a God to keep things running smoothly and to be there to answer prayers and make things better. Is it possible for that sense to really be too big?
[ he doesn't outright agree he has a big sense of responsibility, but he acknowledges why it is. ]
I have goals still. It's just a matter of working on them in a way that doesn't clash with other factors.
The residents of Heaven don't necessarily care who God is as long as someone's running the show and making things work. Even if I run myself into the ground, if things are going smoothly it's still fine.
You'd be in good company with the people who tell a human he isn't God. [ which is to say he gets both sides of the conversation and just kind of lets it happen. ]
In a way it sort of is? I have a weird amount of downtime suddenly that I don't know what to do with, so... [ gestures around the mall. ] Back to some human hobbies.
Who am I to turn down the advice? I'll take a look and see. Guess it can't hurt to at least try to change some things up while we're here instead of sticking with the old all the time.
Stuff like this wasn't always an easy option before. Heaven, at least, means money isn't a real thing and changes can be made but... the key is time and money both. Having them together is rare, I think.
And this is why you look so much better than I do. [ a teasing smile. but... well. ]
I don't, no. But even before Heaven my time was... used on other things. Whether I wanted it to be or not. Sometimes I got to choose, and sometimes it was chosen for me.
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[ it's a sentiment that roxana does understand, but still. ]
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... we do what we can to survive, don't we? Nobody's going to be there to hold your hand through it. Sure, maybe there's some help along the way, but you always have to be ready to do things on your own. Don't you think?
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That is how it is sometimes. That may be how it is a lot of the time but especially for someone in your position. The higher you are, the lonelier you tend to be.
A god must be so lonely.
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... I'm doing what I have to do. And that's going to be enough for me. Eventually... people I cared about will show up again. It'll be a little better then.
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Even if you were used to taking matters into your own hands before, becoming a god makes it worse.
[ leadership isolates. climbing to the top separates you from others. ]
At least you're admitting it's not the best it can be now.
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I didn't want to actually do this. [ become god, he means. ] But things fell into place, and I figured if this was the only way to try and accomplish what I thought made sense and try to get what I wanted, then I'd have to work with it. But... yeah. It's, uh. Not always great.
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It's only that you talk about yourself sometimes in a way that people could find worrying.
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[ but he shrugs to that. ]
I think... I need to remember, more often, that I can't control what people think of me. I can only do what I'm trying to do and let it speak for itself. [ and if his words and actions are worrying to people, well, that is because he's an extremely depressed and traumatized teenager and there's no fixing that one, so it's fine. ]
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The be careful what you wish for caveat? As long as it wasn't the worst way to receive what you wanted... [ but she won't pry too much about that. ] You have too big of a sense of responsibility.
[ it's not said as if it's a bad thing, more of a pointed observation. ]
It's better to be confident in what you aim to do, but others can be just as resolute.
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It was, actually. Kinda worse than I ever imagined. But what can you do? [ you just have to kind of deal with it. ] ... a lot of people depend on a God to keep things running smoothly and to be there to answer prayers and make things better. Is it possible for that sense to really be too big?
[ he doesn't outright agree he has a big sense of responsibility, but he acknowledges why it is. ]
I have goals still. It's just a matter of working on them in a way that doesn't clash with other factors.
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[ it's not so much as it shouldn't be big and more that it's not a given. ]
You may run yourself into the ground, and who will there for people to depend on?
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[ but he doesn't want to be one. ]
The residents of Heaven don't necessarily care who God is as long as someone's running the show and making things work. Even if I run myself into the ground, if things are going smoothly it's still fine.
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[ she isn't going to push it anymore. ]
I'd jest that this could be a vacation for you, but you care too much for it to be.
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In a way it sort of is? I have a weird amount of downtime suddenly that I don't know what to do with, so... [ gestures around the mall. ] Back to some human hobbies.
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At least pick out some different jackets to hide your wings with, hm? Choose a pea coat or leather jacket even if they aren't your style.
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Pea coats are the longer ones, right? I don't think I've ever considered a leather jacket but I'm not against it.
[ also everything's free, so why wouldn't he? ]
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You might like the leather jacket more. It's less heavy.
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Who am I to turn down the advice? I'll take a look and see. Guess it can't hurt to at least try to change some things up while we're here instead of sticking with the old all the time.
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I'm afraid I know too much money and time.
[ at least she's aware. ]
You don't have much time in Heaven.
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I don't, no. But even before Heaven my time was... used on other things. Whether I wanted it to be or not. Sometimes I got to choose, and sometimes it was chosen for me.
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It sounds like trouble followed you, no matter where you went.
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Little bit, I guess. There's a reason nobody's more surprised God chose me to take their place than I am.
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[ to be burdened by godly duties. ]
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