[ Her laughter is almost genuine, and almost as if it's part of genuine surprise as well.
(There's a small sting, a pang where she remembers the deaths she caused, the ones who had to die so she could survive. Almost each and every one are ones she wished she could have avoided, but at the end of the day, she has always made her choice: to survive. ]
... You may be one of the few who've seen a clearer image of me.
[ And not what she presents, not what she lets people see. ]
I won't hesitate tomorrow.
[ She, at least, won't try to lie or be avoidant about this. ]
I would be angry if you told me that, completely of your own volition, you decided to just butcher him for no particular reason, but you don't strike me as so impulsive or reckless with your own life.
[ she said sorry more than once to clarte on friday. she was hesitant when she normally wouldn't be. the telecasting i was trying to give a blind clarte.
she doesn't think clarte would like the reason, but she isn't going to mention it. ]
She shifts on the bed, and she can't look at them. She's so grateful Clarte is blind right now. There is something about that statement that makes her uncomfortable, uneasy, and it also makes her hate herself a little more. ]
... I don't want to die, Clarte. I never have. I would never choose death willingly.
[ It's quiet, almost resigned, and barely threaded with the bitterness and resentment she has for the life she was born into, for all the work she's done to build a life that could survive past the ending of a storybook. ]
[that's the one of the things they'll never be able to relate to her over. still, they can understand it from an outside perspective; they can feel it through their own desire to have her live.]
It's a cold comfort, but perhaps it doesn't have to be the end.
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(There's a small sting, a pang where she remembers the deaths she caused, the ones who had to die so she could survive. Almost each and every one are ones she wished she could have avoided, but at the end of the day, she has always made her choice: to survive. ]
... You may be one of the few who've seen a clearer image of me.
[ And not what she presents, not what she lets people see. ]
I won't hesitate tomorrow.
[ She, at least, won't try to lie or be avoidant about this. ]
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I volunteered, though I know I'm not the only one. I'm prepared, and I know she is as well.
[watch it be, like, itsuki.]
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All right. I have my guesses who you mean. It will be what it will be.
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they nod.]
... Is there anything else you'd rather talk about, tonight?
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there's a small pause. ]
I expected you to be angrier with me.
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I would be angry if you told me that, completely of your own volition, you decided to just butcher him for no particular reason, but you don't strike me as so impulsive or reckless with your own life.
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I never kill for no reason.
[ She can allow that truth. Sometimes, it's out of her control and not of her choice, but she never chooses to kill for no reason. ]
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[it's crushing, to lose garou. but roxana's fate hurts too.]
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she doesn't think clarte would like the reason, but she isn't going to mention it. ]
... You don't need much reason to be angry.
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Do you want me to be?
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... I've only ever said that I want you to be you, haven't I?
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... All right. I suppose I am the reason for part of it.
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Yes. Also because you're my friend, and I hate to have to grieve for you as well.
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She shifts on the bed, and she can't look at them. She's so grateful Clarte is blind right now. There is something about that statement that makes her uncomfortable, uneasy, and it also makes her hate herself a little more. ]
... Thank you, Clarte.
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they can feel the shift, at least, as they gaze at a random point in space.]
You don't need to thank me for something like that.
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[ She is not sure how much Clarte really knows her, but if they would grieve her still...
It's a kindness that makes her uneasy. ]
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Am I making you uncomfortable, Roxana?
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Of course not.
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... I don't suppose you'd tell me if I asked what you're thinking.
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[ It's quiet, almost resigned, and barely threaded with the bitterness and resentment she has for the life she was born into, for all the work she's done to build a life that could survive past the ending of a storybook. ]
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[that's the one of the things they'll never be able to relate to her over. still, they can understand it from an outside perspective; they can feel it through their own desire to have her live.]
It's a cold comfort, but perhaps it doesn't have to be the end.
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[ Her reason behind everything would be taken away. Even if the dead are coming back, even if they can come back, all her struggles...
Sometimes, you have to be an edgy 19yo goth. ]
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It means...?
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That I have none.
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