they listen, quiet long enough to show that they're thinking over it. and then, easily—]
Then I'll find another one for you.
[... they and roxana are fundamentally different; clarte has never had a drive to live, ever in their life. even if they'd never met melina, they wouldn't have turned out the way roxana did—they simply would've accepted dying early.
still, they wonder. if perhaps one of the key distinctions between them and roxana is that they, at least, had someone reach out and give them a better reason to hold on.]
[ Easily, they say something that takes her aback.
Roxana has one other goal other than simply surviving, something she's worked towards slowly but surely for years, but its stakes are dependent on her survival. Even if she knows the dead aren't truly dead, she still has no guarantee they can come back. She has never had a guarantee for anything. Everything has always been a risk.
She moves for selfish reasons, and even if Clarte's selflessness can be selfish, that is still one of the fundamental differences between them.
She looks at them for a long while, turning their words over in her head, and she still can't figure out: ]
[ She is so grateful for their blindness tonight. It means she can work to keep her voice even and not care about the way she can't quite look at them right now. She doesn't meet their gaze. ]
What reason would you have to?
[ She killed their boyfriend? Their closest friend? ]
I told you before that the meaning of life is what you make of it, and that I decided mine was to help people. In that sense, I'm quite fortunate—I've no shortage of a reason to exist, so long as my life can be useful to someone.
[ For once, Roxana doesn't push too much, on the eve of her death.
Everyone has their own reasons to live, and none of them are the same or have to be the same. ]
... That is like you.
[ If they were created to be a tool, then they should at least be a tool in a way they like. It's still a little sad to her. To help and to want to help is one thing, but to exist only to help is another.
She tries when she can to help, but it doesn't always work that way. ]
If it's something you chose, I won't argue against it. If it is something you want... If you want to give me another reason to exist, I'll grant you the chance to find it for me.
[they can admit that. this isn't a five-year-old child, saving the life of someone who had no other fate but to be disposed of; clarte acknowledges this as far more complicated, especially considering that roxana faces her death tomorrow.]
[ That Clarte even wants to try is enough in its own way. Maybe they won't succeed, but it succeeds in making Roxana feel an emotion she's unused to and can't quite pinpoint.
She laughs a little. ]
Your honesty inspires little faith, but what else can you do but try? [ She reaches to brush her fingers against their cheek. ] I wonder if I'll resent it, if it ends up being you tomorrow.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It means...?
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That I have none.
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she doesn't want to answer this.
so she doesn't. ]
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Okay. If it's not something you can bear, then I'll take it on.
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You could end up killing me tomorrow, and this will give this conversation a whole new meaning.
[ lmao ]
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[i hate you]
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.... Meaning. Reason to exist.
[ Is that something someone like Clarte will take on? ]
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they listen, quiet long enough to show that they're thinking over it. and then, easily—]
Then I'll find another one for you.
[... they and roxana are fundamentally different; clarte has never had a drive to live, ever in their life. even if they'd never met melina, they wouldn't have turned out the way roxana did—they simply would've accepted dying early.
still, they wonder. if perhaps one of the key distinctions between them and roxana is that they, at least, had someone reach out and give them a better reason to hold on.]
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Roxana has one other goal other than simply surviving, something she's worked towards slowly but surely for years, but its stakes are dependent on her survival. Even if she knows the dead aren't truly dead, she still has no guarantee they can come back. She has never had a guarantee for anything. Everything has always been a risk.
She moves for selfish reasons, and even if Clarte's selflessness can be selfish, that is still one of the fundamental differences between them.
She looks at them for a long while, turning their words over in her head, and she still can't figure out: ]
Why?
[ There's no reason for them to. ]
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Why wouldn't I?
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What reason would you have to?
[ She killed their boyfriend? Their closest friend? ]
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Because even if I may not know exactly how you feel—pain, sorrow, and feeling empty inside are universal.
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Okay, this is better. Roxana can look at Clarte again. ]
Is this how you feel sometimes?
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[they don't quite answer the question.]
I told you before that the meaning of life is what you make of it, and that I decided mine was to help people. In that sense, I'm quite fortunate—I've no shortage of a reason to exist, so long as my life can be useful to someone.
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Everyone has their own reasons to live, and none of them are the same or have to be the same. ]
... That is like you.
[ If they were created to be a tool, then they should at least be a tool in a way they like. It's still a little sad to her. To help and to want to help is one thing, but to exist only to help is another.
She tries when she can to help, but it doesn't always work that way. ]
If it's something you chose, I won't argue against it. If it is something you want... If you want to give me another reason to exist, I'll grant you the chance to find it for me.
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[they can admit that. this isn't a five-year-old child, saving the life of someone who had no other fate but to be disposed of; clarte acknowledges this as far more complicated, especially considering that roxana faces her death tomorrow.]
But I'll do my best.
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She laughs a little. ]
Your honesty inspires little faith, but what else can you do but try? [ She reaches to brush her fingers against their cheek. ] I wonder if I'll resent it, if it ends up being you tomorrow.
I'll accept it either way.
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In that case, you can hate me, if you want.
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I don't know if I could do that.
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I'm honoured, then.
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[ but harder? ]
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... I feel a bit like a scolded child right now...
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