roxana agrece (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
disingenuous) wrote2025-06-02 08:01 pm
disingenuous) wrote2025-06-02 08:01 pmstrohl catchall
how many metaphors can i fit in here
disingenuous) wrote2025-06-02 08:01 pm
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anyway. typical roxana to cut right to it - strohl smiles a little, lopsided, tired. ]
... Depends on which part you think I feel the most guilty for; some are heavier than others.
[ as he reaches to nudge out the seat next to him with his heel, if she'd like to come sit. ]
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That still means most of it makes you feel guilty, doesn't it? I'd be more surprised if some part of your bleeding heart weren't bleeding.
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listen. ]
Shot straight through the heart as ever, Roxana... [ but he doesn't sound upset about it, just like. read for filth! honestly it's kind of nice to be known that well, so. he takes a long drink of his drink, considering. ]
I don't - I think what I feel the worst of is forgetting. [ forgetting her, because that was devastating. ] Selfishly, less so than guilty; I think... a part of me's relieved, too.
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[ she doesn't think it'd be worth it to be softer. ]
Relieved that she managed to kill you first? Or relieved that you couldn't remember her while you were trying to kill her?
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[ genuinely - he glances sidelong at her as he says it. it's what he needs to hear. reminds him of grius, a little, in the funniest way.
but, after a long pause: ]
...both. [ like an admittance, said down into the drink. ] Relieved that I woke up to her, too. I don't... I'm not sure what I would have done with myself, if I was still afflicted like that and came to myself, and realised it'd been someone who couldn't fight back, or worse, someone who wouldn't.
...Relieved she was caught, too. That, I think I feel less awful about. I think holding onto it would've been far worse, for her - of the two of us, I'm far more duplicitous. She hates to lie.
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You both still care too much about justice and honor.
[ she says it more like an observation than a criticism. ]
In some ways, the result of this trial was the best outcome for you. You managed to maintain your word despite having forgotten and you don't have to witness Hulkenberg being eaten away by guilt from a screen.
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anyway. there's a little snort, there. ]
That's us. [ like he won't even deny it.... it's so true..... ] Though, I think people do often give me more credit than I deserve when it comes to either... the idea that I'd not fight with my sword because I'd dishonour it could not be further from the truth. It was a bloody ornament on a wall, once upon a time.
[ ... and yes, it still means a lot to him, and yes, maybe there's some part of him that felt that way, but there were so many other reasons for the lance even when he was out of his mind (and not just that i thought pride was a funny joke).
... he exhales when she explains that thought process, and nods. ]
...yeah. Feels awful to say that I feel relieved, but... it's the truth. She'll still have to be executed. It'll almost certainly be the worst possible choice. And in the end, I still... to lose control of myself like that's nothing I've ever felt before. There's much to deal with, the end of this place beside. But... there's a path forward, from here. I'm not sure what there would have been, had things gone differently.
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[ there is the smallest glimmer of conviction behind her words. swords prefer to be useful to their masters. ]
At least you don't have to consider that alternative. You'll be reunited, even if tomorrow will still be difficult for you two. Even if it's awful, it means you're not unfeeling.
[ as he said, there's a path forward for him, and he's not stuck in some kind of mire of feelings. ]
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[ with a huff, he takes a big drink, letting that settle and sit between them, processing. and after a long beat, strohl turns to look at her finally, and there's a lopsided little smile on his face, wry, tired, but genuine all the same. ]
I've never forgotten how smart you are, but... it's really hitting how much I've missed our conversations, Roxana.
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[ it's one of the things that helped her the most with her upbringing. ]
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Still. I'm not one for words of flattery with nothing behind them. [ though he said he was a little bit of a liar, this is one of those areas where he's the most sincere. ] But - that doesn't surprise me, either.
The upper crust so rarely fight their battles as openly as a warrior on a battlefield. It requires a great level of observation- and that's in my experience, which I am sure pales for any number of reasons to yours.
[ ... ]
Is that what you return to? That home...? If it's not too bold to ask.
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I will guide another family to take him and do what they will with him.